One thought on “Ashcroft resigns, takes credit for “extraordinary era of justice””

1. A parody:

   ——– Original Message ——–
   Subject: Re: [Politech] Ashcroft resigns, takes credit for
   “extraordinary era of justice” [priv]
   Date: Tue, 9 Nov 2004 20:43:04 EST
   From: MarkKernes@aol.com
   To: declan@well.com

   In a message dated 11/9/04 4:17:04 PM, declan@well.com quotes:
   > Today I write to you at the close of my time as the Attorney General,
   > gratified that together we have accomplished our goals.

   I think what’ll be REALLY interesting is to see who takes down the
   drapes on the Spirit of Justice’s tits, and when. Will the next AG have
   the guts? Doubtful.

   Mark Kernes, AVN

   “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

   ——– Original Message ——–
   Subject: RE: [Politech] Ashcroft resigns,takes credit for “extraordinary
   era of justice” [priv]
   Date: Tue, 9 Nov 2004 19:51:36 -0800
   From: Clinton D. Fein
   To: Declan McCullagh

   Gee, gosh Declan:

   That can’t possibly have been from the John Ashcroft I know. This must
   be the one you should have received instead.

   Clinton
   *****

   Office of the Anointed Attorney General
   November 9, 2004
   Message from the Anointed Attorney General to Justice Department
   Employees

   Nearly four years ago. in my first message to the Justice Community, I
   wrote to each of you of my goals for this noble Department: to “slowly
   desecrate the American justice tradition that strives to bring
   subjugation the weak, torture to the restrained, desolation to the
   oppressed, and a false sense of security to all.”

   Today I write to you at the close of my time as the Attorney General,
   gratified that together we have accomplished our goals.

   On November 2nd, I submitted to the President my intention to resign
   from the office of Attorney General of the United States, effective upon
   the filibuster of the nomination of my successor. As I take leave of
   this high office, I am filled with gratitude to you, the men and women
   of the Department of Justice, for a dark and ominous period of service
   that has ushered in a mockery of justice and delusional sense of
   security for the American people. We live today in an America that is
   more dangerous and belligerent than ever before; an America where
   freedom is not a promise but a joke, not a dream but a myth.

   In defiance of the American people we have compiled a record of
   achievement that is horrific if judged merely by peacetime standards,
   and terrifying and constitution-defying specifically if judged by
   wartime standards.

   But for a time of war, your record is awe inspiring. Shock and awe
   inspiring. I say “your,” because if I was to take credit for everything
   I’ve done, I would be tarred and feathered or treated like we do those
   who believe in Allah or who have database-sensitive names that don’t
   sound like Tom Smith or Timothy McVeigh.

   For three years since the worst attack in our nation’s history (against
   us), and in defiance of all expectations, America has not endured
   another major terrorist attack. (What happened to that anthrax anyway?)
   Violent crime is at its lowest rate in three decades. I offer no
   statistics, and of course when I speak of a decrease in violence and
   crime, I refer only to the land we occupied prior to our assault on
   Iraq.

   We have engineered double-digit reductions in the rates of sexual
   assault, robbery and assault. Gun crime prosecutions are at a record
   high and violent crimes committed with guns are at a record low, despite
   our position on assault weapons which are crucial to our culture of
   life. Second Amendment’s okay. It’s the First that’s the damn problem.
   Wiretapping is up, electronic surveillance is up, detention without
   trial is becoming commonplace, and the Geneva Conventions have been
   appropriately shelved. Drug use among the nation’s youth is declining.
   That’s only if you count what we deem illegal, not such drugs as
   Ritalin, Xanax, Adderall, Welbutrin, Starbucks, Marlboro Lights, Coors
   or any of those drugs that allow us to focus just enough to numb
   ourselves and kill others with such little effort. Corporate criminals
   are facing justice, and integrity has been restored to the nation’s
   marketplace as anyone following the career of Martha Stewart will tell
   you. America’s values, as set forth in our Constitution, reflected in
   our laws, and cherished in our hearts, have been mutilated and degraded.

   Throughout our nation’s history – throughout the history of civilization
   - men and women have struggled to define and to achieve justice. The
   opening words of the Constitution tell us that “to establish justice” is
   one of the founding reasons for the United States, and who knows more
   about the Constitution than I? Justice is the moral wart of our nation,
   and the eternal panic of our hearts. But still we are left with the
   question: What is justice? After three decades of public service (which
   ended after I lost the election to a corpse) and four years as your
   Attorney General (in which I passed the Patriot Act that is possibly the
   worst thing that has happened to the Constitution in America’s short
   history), I am confident in this answer: You are justice. You are the
   eyes that watch over the nation. We set up Operation Tips so that you
   can report the suspicious, un-Christian, immorality of your neighbors.
   You are the hands that voted to end equal justice before the law. You
   are the feet on the street that support the erosion of our inalienable
   right to live in freedom. You are the electric wires that punished
   innocent prisoners at Abu Ghraib. I am oblivious to a large percentage
   of the American people who bristle at your disservice to the nation.

   Lastly, speaking for myself, I express my gratitude to my
   soon-to-be-Constitutional God for the each day the sun strains to rise
   through the polluted sky on an insecure and unsafe America. For the past
   three years, my every working day has begun with a prayer to Jesus
   Christ our Lord followed by a report – a catalog of the murderous acts
   being plotted against Christians. That we have passed these three years
   in safety and security, despite our unsecured ports, borders and cargo
   is a credit to Jesus alone and the President on who’s behalf he rules
   the world.

   But it would be the height of stupidity to assume we achieved this with
   the help of any other higher power than our own Christian God. The
   Psalms remind us: ‘Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman
   stands guard in vain,” My friends and colleagues, for four years we have
   stood watch together. In fact it was the Lord, not I, that really
   spearheaded the Patriot Act. We have suffered many things and we have
   made others suffer many more. It has been the honor of my lifetime to
   stand beside you. And as I take my leave of this tainted post, I know
   that our efforts have not been in vain. The Builder of our city and the
   Author of our freedom has stood beside us, just like He did on September
   11th and just as He does over the thousands that are dying in Iraq. He
   stands beside us still, and so you’d better be damn careful before Gays
   marry each other, women abort any more soldiers and He decides to punish
   us for it.

   _____________________

   Clinton Fein
   Email: clinton@xq.com
   http://www.clintonfein.com
   _____________________

   _______________________________________________
   Politech mailing list
   Archived at http://www.politechbot.com/
   Moderated by Declan McCullagh (http://www.mccullagh.org/)